I started out doing these small oil paintings (about the size of a note card) for various reasons but I believe the top reasons would be; to continue to show a sense of dedication and perhaps win back some affection, the other being to reexamine some of the emotions I was having that day and try to make sense of them.
I thought I'd write down some of the conclusions I had come to, because I do think I came to a better sense of understanding about myself and about her.
Wasn't honestly sure why I sat down to do a small painting of her. I had a pile of other projects in various states of finish and they all clamored for my attention. Regardless I had cleaned and sorted all the materials the night before so they were all eager to be used. I sat down and was soon to find that my MP3 player was working for the enemy. before I had even begun to mark the figure Call Me Call Me plays over the headset. I trudged on through the emotions, and the same thought played over in my mind as I moved about the panel. The thought, "where are the paintings, and where are all the works dedicated to me? I must have meant something over the four years together."
"surely I must have at least meant something?"
Perhaps this is better, If I'm not even worth a kinky sketch or a dirty limerick, then what good was the relationship. I continue mixing and moving about the panel, while rubik's cubing the thought over in my head, "where are all the works about me." Now yes admittedly shes no painter and shes only just started sketching in the off time. But the thought continued to persists.
The little portrait enters a stage where it requires a more deft hand and an even more watchful eye, the thought is driven from my head for the moment. I proceed to take my time subtly adding the lavender hues that bounce on the underside of her chin, nose and forehead. I clean some areas, blur other areas out and end with a few violent strokes for the highlights in the hair. I step back, give it a squint.. "A'int half bad, I even impress myself sometimes"
Ok In all seriousness I do consider this a successful piece, a combination of the time limit, a slightly limited pallet, and the choice in model really seems to come together. The piece is the right combination of painterly with its rushed strokes, design-e with various elements either simplified or removed, and the subject is as ever.. fantastic. (No really name 5 other paintings of female portraits...)
Or what did we learn
The main overarching lesson that I believe I came to was.. Don't paint oil paintings on top of a panel primed with satin finish two in one house paint sure you save a few bucks cause its in the runoff pile at the store, but you really want some legit Gesso (made with chalk and such, not the acrylic polymer crap)
But that's maybe not what we were here to learn, or at least a nice thing to remember for next time. So back to the thought, "where is all the work dedicated to me? where are all the grand showcases of love?" The conclusion I reached was this, everyone shows love in different ways. For me I think its always an attempt at some sorta grand gesture, Paintings, Drawings, Animations, ect... and that's nice and has its place. But not everyone's life moves at the pace of producing grand gestures of love. For others a trip to spend time, maybe a cup of coffee, or a flower. Sometimes its just being there sometimes its staying up five more minutes when you're really tired. To continue to expect these big showcases or this huge gesture or admiration of love is to expect so much from the other person that it strains not only the other but your own patience and expectations.
Grand gestures have their place I do believe that, but as of right now, where I'm at and where shes at a grand gesture of love wont bring anything back together. I cant be upset cause I don't have someone out there painting portraits of me when I'm gone I have to remember that she was there showing love In her own ways, even if they were little and sometimes unseen.
Hope you're well-
This is a placeholder page for some upcoming work. Made this animation below by practicing from some "lilo and Stitch" Movie frames.
Check back for more stuff.